Dreadful
by Crazicrystal
Summary: Mikan held a deep pain within her, one that she hid from the world. The only way to release it was to bleed... This story is about how Natsume and Mikan met and saved each other.
1. Chapter 1

**Dreadful**

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

Hi everyone! I'm proud to present my newest story. It's a little dark, I think probably inspired by listening to too much Hollywood Undead. I don't mean to offend anyone with the situations in this story, I just wanted to write about two desperate people, and this is what came to me. There is some obvious OOCness, but it couldn't be helped with this type of story. Please enjoy!

Please visit my profile for a link to YouTube to watch my Gakuen Alice videos! Thanks!

**Chapter 1**

It was a dreadful night. It was cold and pitch black. Why the hell did I decide to cut through the woods on _tonight_ of all nights? My foot slipped on a tree root and I tumbled to the wet, muddy ground.

"Fuck!" Gross! Now I'm cold _and_ my new jeans are drenched in mud. Just _fucking_ great!

Finally I managed to stumble across the threshold of my home. _Home_. Yeah, fucking right. This hole didn't feel like home much anymore. Perhaps I was too old to feel comforted living in a home with my parents. Maybe my family was distancing themselves from me in preparation for my high school graduation and departure to the real world. Whatever _the fuck_ it was, this place wasn't _home_ anymore.

I ignored my parents while I inhaled a measly dinner, and immediately closed myself in my room after. I don't know what it was about this night, but I couldn't handle the pain welling up inside my chest. "Fuck it!" I stormed around my room until I found my blade and first aid kit. Pushing the sleeve up on my shirt, I drew the razor softly against my wrist, shallow but effective. I watched as the blade slit open my skin, blood beading out of the opening. I bled into a small container, careful not to stain anything. As I watched the blood drip from my wrist, I felt my sorrow pouring out with it. I bandaged my wrist tightly before I lay in bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I knew I couldn't live this cursed life anymore.

…

"Good morning, everyone!" Popping myself into the loud classroom, I had to announce myself to my friends. With a plastered smile on my face, none of them knew any different. None of the selfish pigs knew what I covered beneath the fabric on my wrist.

Sitting next to my best friend, Hotaru, I hugged her close to me. She didn't complain, as if she knew how much I needed her.

"Good morning, Mikan!" Nonoko gave me a quick hug before sitting beside me. She gasped before grabbing my arm and pulling it towards her. I hid a wince with a smile.

"How pretty! You always wear the coolest wrist guards, Mikan!" I laughed gently, looking down at the fluffy pink slip of cloth I was wearing today. You are a fucking idiot. "Why, thank you! Isn't it? I saw it and I just had to add it to my collection!" To fool retards like _you_. Hotaru didn't say anything. She never does about fashion. Sometimes, I wonder if she knows what I hide…

The next thing I knew, I was giggling and smiling brightly all day. As soon as I stepped off school grounds, I dropped the ridiculous fake smile. _Man_ my face hurts. I'm not sure why I pretend to be so happy all time. I suppose I don't want to be labeled "Emo" or whatever drab they would associate with me.

I really don't want to go home right now…

Flicking open my wallet, I checked to see if I had my fake ID with me. _Yes._

…

I always pick the worst bars. I don't know why I bother. Here I could feel ugly old men's eyes roam my body as if I were naked. You fucking perverts, keep your damn eyes to yourself! I chugged the last of my drink and slowly stood. I could feel the alcohol weighing heavily in my stomach. _Fuck_, I drank too much.

I still didn't want to go home, so I sent a text to my parents telling them I would be staying with Hotaru for the night. They wouldn't mind that I was gone.

I didn't bother looking at a clock; I really didn't care how late it was. I headed for Hotaru's, knowing she would let me stay without any questions.

Youichi opened Hotaru's door. _Damn_. He just had to be here. I hated to visit Hotaru when Youichi, her college tutor, was over. She took studying _way_ too seriously. I gave him a small smile and he let me inside. Hotaru glanced away from her work to look at me. "Mikan, why are you here?"

"Uh… I was thinking I could stay the night. You know… we haven't done that in a while…" I tried to smile, but I was too buzzed to keep it up. Hotaru silently stood up and grabbed my arm. "You reek, _Mikan_." Before I could stop her, she grabbed at my wrist guard and ripped it off my arm. With a disgusted look she threw it on the floor.

"I can't believe you've been doing _this_." She gripped my wrist painfully, bringing me to tears. _No_, I will _not_ cry! But… she didn't stop there.

"You are an idiot." She flung my red wrist at me. "I will not sit here and watch you mutilate yourself! Don't come to _my house_ with these intentions!" Tears started flowing down my cheeks, and I was unable to stop them. _Why_? _Why_ would she says these awful things to me when I feel like this?

Hotaru's face became angry and unyielding. "You've been hiding this from me for too long, Mikan. Do you think I'm too stupid to notice?" I shook my head, wanting to stop the cruel words from coming out of her mouth. _No_. "Leave. Get out of my house _now_. If you want to continue hurting yourself, you can do it _somewhere_ _else_." She began to shove me towards the door as I tried to protest.

"Hotaru…" She wouldn't let me hold on to her, and she pushed me at Youichi. "She can't stay here. Find somewhere for her to go. Good _night_." She slammed the door in both of our faces. The tears wouldn't stop falling as Youichi led me to his car. I _really_ screwed up this time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 2**

When I got inside the car, I looked at Youichi, _really_ looked at him, for the first time. He was a handsome older man, maybe a few years older than I. He had messy hair that looked to be dyed silver and deep brown eyes. He didn't look at me at all, and I wondered in horror if he was one of _those_ men. I could see the defined muscles in his arms, and could imagine them holding me against my will. This man could _rape me_, and I could do nothing about it. Oh _fuck_! What am I doing in this man's car? I didn't want to show him I was nervous, so I kept quiet. The good thing about being scared to death was that I finally stopped crying and was entirely sober.

He didn't hesitate as he drove. I suppose he already knew where he wanted to take me. I waited in silence, hoping he didn't take me to a seedy motel or a dark alley.

I was surprised when we pulled into the driveway of a large house. I quietly got out of the car and followed him inside. It seemed as though all the lights in the house were on, but there was no one in any of the rooms we passed. We stopped in front of a plain black door, and Youichi turned to me with a grouchy look on his face. "Just… don't get on his nerves… our parents are out of town, so you can sleep in the spare bed."

_He?_ I opened my mouth to ask a question, but promptly closed it when Youichi opened the door without knocking. The sickly sweet smell of smoke filled my nostrils and I saw an irritated man my age sitting on a couch with a water pipe in hand. He scoffed and set the pipe down. "What do you want?" Youichi pushed me into the room, "She's staying for the night, and I'm heading out." And he closed the door. "Whatever…"

_What the hell?_ Did I just get passed off? This is _annoying_… I didn't wait for him to say anything to me. Instead I took a seat on a nearby chair. Without a word, he took another puff from his pipe. As I looked at him, I recognized his slick black hair and crimson eyes. He was Natsume Hyuuga, a guy from my class. He didn't talk much at school, and when he did it was usually an insulting or condescending remark.

He sat on the couch silently examining me. I watched the flicker of amusement in his face when his eyes passed over my red and scarred wrist. "You're a cutter." It wasn't a question, but I refused to answer him either way. He seemed to notice my lack of speech and extended the pipe to me. "It's better." I eyed it for a moment, curious. Why the fuck not? I took the offered pipe and inhaled deeply. I almost started coughing, but resisted the impulse. I handed it back to him and sat back in my chair, exhaling.

After a bit, I noticed a change within myself. It was strange, but not unpleasant. I felt calm, and my vision seemed a bit fuzzy. I could only concentrate on one or two things at a time, and they seemed to be a little warped. We sat like that for hours, passing the pipe between ourselves, not saying many words. After I don't know how long, I felt my eyes grow heavy and I could feel myself sinking into the chair. Natsume scoffed at me, and I quickly opened my eyes and tried to sit back up. He stood up and motioned for me to follow him.

I watched him crawl onto his bed, and flip one side of the wall up, opening into another room, on another bed. Weird. "You can sleep there. Knock if you need anything." I nodded in thanks and crawled onto the other bed, on the other side of the wall. Feeling awkward, I slept on the other side of the bed, not in the way of the wall opening in case he opened it again.

I slipped into a fitful sleep. I don't know what I dreamed about, but it was _awful_. I felt the blackness closing in on me, suffocating me, making me claustrophobic. I tried to scream, but I had no air to breathe, and no sound would escape my lips. How could anyone possibly hear me?

I woke up, to a rough shaking. "Oi, wake the fuck up!" I opened my damp eyes to find Natsume peering in through the wall, with his hand on my shoulder. His expression was so different from normal… I don't know if it was because I woke him, or… _what_.

My throat was raw; I guess sound had actually come out from my dream. "I… I'm sorry." He withdrew his hand. "You were screaming…" He hesitated before continuing. "Come." I followed him back through the wall without question. I sat with him on his bed, feeling awkward. I can't _believe_ I was screaming in my sleep at a _stranger's house_. What great company I am.

"It's not enough… is it?" I met his eyes, and felt them pierce through me. It felt as though he was digging through my soul with _just his eyes_. "What… are you talking about?" Afraid, I looked away from him. He took my hand in his and ran his finger gently over the fresh scab on my wrist. "_This_… is not enough for you…" His touch sent a warm shiver up my arm, and moistened my eyes. "_No_… I don't know what is…" I barely whispered the words, but he still heard me clearly in the darkness.

Instead of replying, his grip on my wrist grew hard. He pulled me down to the bed, and held both my wrists above my head. His grip burst the scab on my wrist, and I could feel blood slowly flow over our skin. I cried out at the pain, but I wasn't angry. It hurt… but it was like when I cut myself, the pain inside of me seemed to flow out with the blood that slickened my wrists and his hand. He stared into my eyes, and I stared back, no longer afraid. He leaned closer to me, and I saw indecision flicker in his eyes.

I _wanted _this, _whatever_ it was. I didn't struggle, but I tried to lean forward, pulling my wrist in his grip, hurting myself more as he kept me pinned and I brought myself closer to him. His face was still inches from mine, and I could feel his hot breath brush against my skin. With his free hand, he pushed me back down to the bed. He smirked as he leaned down and whispered, "So eager…"

His lips brushed against mine and my mind went blank. Natsume's lips were soft and gentle, moving with mine in a mind numbing rhythm. I couldn't focus on anything except _him_. His mouth opened and his tongue slipped through my lips. My tongue met his and relished his bittersweet taste, a mixture of smoke and his own unique flavor. I don't _care_ what this is… It's too wonderful to matter…

It seemed we kissed for hours, both of us enjoying the pure pleasure of the simple intimacy. He moved first… as if I _could_. His lips pulled at the tender spot of my ear, and his tongue brushed down my neck. I'm sure I moaned, but I doubt he noticed because he began to nibble the gentle areas of my neck. My body became hot, burning from desire and the closeness of his body to mine. Curious, I wanted to know if he was as worked up as I was. I casually lifted my knee, bringing my thigh up between his legs, gently rubbing against his erection. Glad to know I'm not the only one completely turned on. I let my thigh drag gently across his erection, hoping to work him up even more. I swear I felt him shiver before he released my wrists.

I watched in awe as he pulled his black shirt over his head. Even in the dark, I could see how my blood stained his hand, and soaked into his shirt as he pulled it off. I noticed how sculpted his upper body was. He was an average build, with lean muscles hidden under his shirt. _Just my type_… if I had a type.

Instead of tossing away the shirt, he kept it in his hands, straightening it out. He leaned back down, and drew my forgotten, bleeding wrist towards him. I couldn't see my wrist, but I could feel that it was slathered in blood, and there was probably blood on his bed too. Natsume kissed my palm before drawing his tongue over the slit in my wrist. In this sensitive area, his tongue was rough, bringing me pain and pleasure at the same time. My fingers curled as he licked my wrist clean before wrapping it tightly in his shirt. "Can't have you losing too much blood…" He said it casually, as if he had been talking about the weather.

He left my wrists free and returned to kiss me. He tasted coppery from my blood, but I didn't mind. With my hands now free, I was able to hold him, to feel his skin under my fingertips. I felt his hands slip under my shirt, gently lifting it up. He pulled it to the base of my bra, and kissed the tender skin there. A sigh escaped my lips and I found my fingers entwined in his silky hair. Natsume pushed my shirt up to my neck and slid his hands under me to fumble my bra open. I giggled when he cursed before he finally got it unclasped. He pushed the bra out of the way and gazed upon my bared breasts. I felt myself blush under his intense scrutiny. Will you stop _staring_ already?

As if hearing my demand, his hands moved to cup the outsides of my breasts. His hot tongue created a damp path between them before he moved to licking and kissing each breast. It tickled mostly, and I tried to stop myself from giggling, but after a while I was gasping at each new sensation.

When he started to kiss down to my belly, I took the opportunity to completely remove my shirt and bra. His tongue delved into my belly button, sending a tingle all the way to my toes. "Ah!" He chuckled as I squirmed for a moment before settling back down. His fingers nimbly undid my pants, and he slipped them down my thighs, his hands caressing the skin it passed over. I kicked the pants off completely, and realized I was only wearing my panties in front a guy I barely knew. I sat up, embarrassed to be practically naked. He seemed to know I needed a moment, because he didn't try to do anything.

We sat looking at each other, neither of us speaking. I think both of us knew… this was the first time. I don't know why I had never been with a guy before, I just wasn't that interested. As for him… he was good looking enough, but he didn't socialize much. Maybe he just didn't care that much either. I gazed down at my wrist that was tightly wrapped with his shirt. I hadn't asked him to bandage it… I hadn't even been paying attention, but he had been enough to care. His fingers cautiously touched the fingers of the hand I was looking at. He was _asking_ me to proceed! Not with words of course… but it was asking permission just the same. I hesitated a moment before curling my fingers with his.

Taking initiative, I leaned towards him on the bed and took his lips with mine. I pushed him until he was leaning back on his elbows so I could remove his pants more easily. Once removed, his erection showed easily, cloaked only in his boxers. Getting anxious, I freed him from those too. He lay bare before me, and I could see he was a bit uncomfortable, but tried not to be shy about it. He lay on his back, allowing himself to be fully naked in my view. His erection was thick and long, but I wouldn't know if it was average or larger. I splayed my hands along the inside of his thighs, and gently ran them over his skin, feeling the subtle differences of textures in the area. On the inside of one thigh, only inches from his testicles, I felt odd ridges. "What the…" Moving his leg, I looked at the area closely, only to find familiar scars crossing the inside of his thigh. "You cut…" I didn't finish before he interrupted me, looking away so he wouldn't meet my eyes. "Not anymore… I told you _it_ is better." So he _knew_. That's why he didn't question. That's why he was so… understanding. He _knows_ how I feel.

Without thinking, I kissed his scars… His beautiful scars. Almost too quiet, I heard him moan under his breath. I felt his hips move ever so slightly under my touch, as if begging for more. I cupped his balls and stroked my tongue under the base of his erection. He jerked upwards, gasping. Licking up his length, I took him into my mouth slowly, licking him all around. This time he moaned loudly, and I knew he liked it. Coming back up, I let my teeth scrape him ever so lightly; knowing the mixture of pain and pleasure it would bring him. Sure enough, his fists clenched tightly and he seethed through his teeth. I moved back slowly, letting him know I was finished.

Natsume regained his composure before pushing me down on the bed with a fiery kiss. His hands ran down my thighs roughly, taking my panties with them. He spread my legs wide and lay himself between them. My breath caught in my throat when he pulled back from the kiss to look me in the eyes. I opened my mouth, but I couldn't find any words to speak. Panicking, I was almost ready to bolt from under him. That's when he smiled. It was only a slight smile, but it was so unusual for him, it was all it took. Lost in his eyes, I didn't realize he had even moved his hand until it slid through the folds between my thighs. "Ah!"

His fingers easily found my clit and rubbed it until I couldn't bear but to close my eyes in pleasure. His fingers slipped down and tenderly slid into my opening. I gasped and threw my head back onto the pillow. Neck exposed, he kissed it tenderly as he slipped a second finger inside me. It was uncomfortable, but it didn't hurt. Natsume moved his fingers in and out in a slow rhythm for a few minutes. When he stopped, he held my folds open and I could feel him guiding himself to me. I'm _really _doing this? I became nervous, and my heart beat hard inside my chest. Not sure what else to do, I wrapped my arms around him and grasped at his back, my eyes tightly clenched in terror of what might come.

I felt the tip of him brush against me, so close to where he would soon enter me. I tried to take deep, even breaths. But he didn't continue. Instead, his hand caressed my face, and I felt him softly kiss my tightly closed eyes. I felt his nose brush against mine and he kissed me once more. He didn't move at all while we kissed, slow and passionate, and I felt my anxiety melt away. I pulled him closer to me, clutching him in passion, no longer in fear. That was when he moved.

His tip slid into position and gently entered my body a small bit. After adjusting a bit, he broke our kiss and moved to my ear, nibbling and licking, driving me crazy. He thrust himself into me hard, tearing my insides. I cried out in pain before biting his shoulder, the closest thing to my mouth. He hissed and stopped moving. My teeth remained clenched in his shoulder, and I could even taste his blood beginning to bead into my mouth. When the pain dulled, I released him, licking and kissing the awful bite mark I had made. "Sorry…" I whispered, feeling extremely guilty. His only reply was a gentle nibble below my ear, making me moan.

Natsume slowly pulled back until he was almost entirely out of me, before thrusting himself back inside. I cried out again, but refrained from biting him since the pain wasn't nearly as bad as before. He started a slow, gentle rhythm, and he bent his head to lightly kiss my breasts, flicking his tongue over my nipples. When he was done with them, he met my lips again. Lost in the rhythm, my fingers found their way back into his head, holding his mouth to mine, my hips joining his in time.

Sweat slickened his skin, and I could feel his repressed shivers of pleasure. His pace became more fervent, and I took everything he gave, feeling my insides beginning to coil. I could tell he was holding himself back; he had even broken from our kiss to bite my neck. He didn't draw blood, but the pain spiraled into the pleasure building inside me. His pants turned into moans and I knew he could barely hold it anymore. Either I needed to cum or this would be over before I had the chance. I thrust my hips against him harder and in a slightly different angle so I could receive better contact. As my insides uncoiled, I cried out in relief, twisting Natsume's hair hard between my fingers. He followed suit as soon as he let himself go, releasing a passionate moan of his own. It wasn't until after we were both spent that I realized I had called out his name as I came. How _embarrassing_. He sure as _hell_ didn't introduce himself, and he probably doesn't even _know_ my name.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 3**

We lay silent among the sheets on Natsume's bed. I listened to his even breathing, wondering if he was asleep. I lay with my back facing him, curled naked under the covers. I fingered the shirt wrapped around my wrist, begging for sleep to come to me. I jumped when a warm hand wrapped around my stomach and Natsume slid close to me. He gently kissed my shoulder and tucked his head on the pillow behind me. "Don't cut yourself anymore." His voice was soft, but it still had a commanding tone underlying it. I wanted to argue with him, but he was right. There was something about this warm, content feeling within me that knew he was right. "Okay…" His nose nuzzled against my back, and his breath blew in hot spirals down my skin. "If you need _it_, come see me… Smoking is better…" The second part was tacked on, as if he didn't want me to think he was talking about sex. But he was right, smoking had been better than mutilating myself. "I know…"

…

"Where the _fuck_ is she!?" I awoke early to a shrill screaming and crashing somewhere inside the house. Natsume stirred beside me, and I looked at his clock. Who the fuck is making this much noise at 5 am? "Youichi, you idiot! How could you leave her with your pothead brother? Who knows what horrors he put her through?" "He's not a bad…" Just when things were starting to register, Natsume's door burst open. I screamed, successfully waking up Natsume, and made sure the blankets were securely covering my naked body. Hotaru stood there, with a large club in hand, seething with anger. Youichi hovered behind her, stuck in a position that looked as if he had tried to stop her.

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?" Natsume yelled, throwing a random object towards the door. Hotaru ducked, letting it strike Youichi in the face. She looked at me, and a look of relief washed over her face… until she realized why I was clutching the blanket so tightly. Her eyes narrowed on Natsume, and she raised her club, "You _bastard_!" I watched in horror and Hotaru jumped over me on the bed, and swung at Natsume. He pushed in the wall, and rolled into the other room, holding the wall shut. Hotaru hit the wall a few times before deciding it wasn't going to budge. Panting, she sunk to the bed and hugged me. "I'm so glad you're okay. I didn't mean… I was so _angry_… I'm sorry!" I laughed and hugged her back. "I'm sorry too... I didn't mean to keep it from you."

Hotaru pulled back from me and tried to look at me angrily. It didn't really work. "I can't believe I left you in the hands of _that boy_! I won't ever forgive what he did to you! Get dressed, we're leaving now." She waited, as if I would get dressed in front of her. _Yeah, right_. Exasperated, she sighed and got up. "Fine! But hurry up so we can leave these dreadful boys!" Before she shut the door, I saw her shove Youichi hard.

Sensing the closed door, Natsume peeked back through the wall. "They're gone." He sighed and crawled back into bed. "That woman's _crazy_." I punched him lightly in the chest. "That's my _best friend_, and she's _not_ crazy." He laughed at me, rubbing the spot where I hit him. "No… she is. You should hear the crazy sex they have." I gaped at him in horror. _Hotaru?_ Having _sex_? With her _tutor_? My expression must have been hilarious because he laughed at me even more. "Seriously, they're secretly dating. They don't know I know."

I was shocked, but I guess it could be true. They seemed to have that kind of chemistry. I sighed and shyly got out of bed to gather my clothes and dress. After I was dressed, I realized I would have to remove the "bandage" from my wrist. I moved to untie it, and Natsume stopped me, kissing my hand. "Leave it on until you can bandage it properly." I blushed at the tender gesture, and really hoped he couldn't see it. I nodded and turned towards the door.

"Mikan."

Shocked to hear my name from his lips, I turned to see him looking at me with his incredible eyes and a soft smile. "Don't fake it so much… at school. It makes it worse." I opened my mouth, and then shut it. How did he know about my facade at school? "You've… seen me?" He nodded, his eyes not moving from my face. "I'm not a stalker, but I know a little about everyone… The benefits about being "the quiet guy"… Don't force yourself so much, it's not worth it." He paused, as if he wanted to say more, but didn't. I opened the door before he changed his mind. "Remember what I said last night…" _If you need it, come see me…_ Yeah, I know. I nodded and closed the door behind me.

…

I found my way to the front door, and saw Hotaru and Youichi locked in a passionate kiss, despite the angry things she had done earlier. I can't believe he was right. I cleared my throat loudly, and they broke apart quickly, pretending nothing happened. Hotaru straightened herself and motioned to me to follow her. "I'm coming."


	4. Chapter 4

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 4**

Hotaru blamed me for her lack of sleep. Apparently, she had been trying to call Youichi for most of the night, but he refused to answer his phone. With everything that had happened… I didn't get much sleep either. "Do we _really_ have to go to school today?" Hotaru glared at me while she sipped her coffee. "I'll take that as a "yes"." Sighing, I removed Natsume's shirt and stuffed it in my backpack without looking at it. Maybe I would look at it when Hotaru wasn't watching my every move… I bandaged my wrist and put on my discarded wrist guard I found on Hotaru's floor. Hotaru lent me some clothes so I wouldn't have to go home to change.

…

"Good morning, everyone!" I greeted the classroom as usual, and followed Hotaru to our seats. Nonoko greeted us enthusiastically, and I replied with my usual, _fake_, smile. This was going to be a long day…

I moved to sit down, but the seat was kicked from under me and I tumbled to the ground. I lost my cool, dropping my happy façade. "What the hell?" I growled at the unknown perpetrator. Whipping my head around, I saw Natsume smirking at me. "Don't start the day off being a fake… Polkadots." Of course he knew I was wearing polkadot underwear… but it was embarrassing to hear it out loud. "You pervert! Jerk!" I shouted at him a bit more, and punched him lightly in the arm. I don't know what it was, but after we exchanged insulting comments, I couldn't help but burst out laughing. Smiling a real smile, I took my seat and waited for the day to begin.

…

It took a while before I could learn to be normal around my friends. When I slipped into routine, Natsume would do something to make me angry and forget trying to be "perfect". It was awkward at first, every time I didn't plaster a smile on my face, they would ask me if something was wrong. Eventually, they got the point that I was just… different than I used to be. After a couple weeks, Nonoko became distant from me. It was like she didn't know how to act around me anymore. It hurt… but I wasn't going to pretend to be something just to make her feel better.

Today… she sat by Anna. Nonoko didn't even greet me. She just walked past me, straight to Anna. I could hear them laughing, and I wanted to cry. Without a word, I walked out of the classroom into the hall. Gasping, I tried to breathe and calm myself, as I sank to the floor. It was building up inside me… wanting to burst… I pushed up my wrist guard and started scratching my wrist, _anything_ to lessen the pain inside me…

I didn't notice him until he grabbed my hands and held them apart. My wrist was red, but I hadn't managed to draw any blood yet. "No!" I shouted at the person without looking him, and tried to escape his grasp. He held me firmly until I could breathe and look up at him.

It was Natsume.

I started crying, not knowing what else to do. His grip on my wrists softened, but he didn't let go. "I told you to come to me." Ashamed, I couldn't look him in the eyes. "At school…?" He allowed me a moment before pulling me to my feet. I followed him without question, allowing him to lead me into a dark corner of the hall. He slipped a joint out of his pocket and lit it, taking the first hit. _Fuck_.

I was nervous… Should we really be doing this at school? My anxieties faded when I met his eyes… his piercing crimson eyes… that knew I needed _something_. I hesitated before taking it from him. "Okay…"

…

After I had calmed down, we were going to return to class. Since I had left before Natsume, I was going to return first. Before I could leave, he unabashedly fished my cell phone out of my pocket and saved his number in it. "Don't wait so long next time. Having attacks at school will get you noticed." He handed it back to me, and I didn't bother looking at it. "Yeah, I know…"

As I walked back to class, I wondered about Natsume. Had he been caught having an attack at school before? I suppose it was possible, but it would be hard to notice since he cut in such a private place.

I entered the classroom silently. Nobody asked any questions, since it was obvious I had been crying. Hotaru glanced at me when I sat down, and I knew she could smell it on me. The look on her face was disapproving, but she didn't voice it. Maybe she knew I had only one other choice… When Natsume finally came back to class, I saw Hotaru send imaginary daggers at him, and I wanted to laugh. Holding myself back, I only smiled at her and squeezed her hand.


	5. Chapter 5

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 5**

I was hesitant to meet with him at first. However, I didn't want to break down again. I saw Hotaru that night, but the next day… it was weighing heavily on me, and I finally met with him after school. We were silent that time, just content together in the smoke filled room. I wondered how often he smoked… but looking at the silent sadness in his eyes, I realized he must do it every day.

When I could help it, I would see Hotaru. When I couldn't stand it anymore, I would see Natsume. Hotaru never said a word, but she knew that I was seeing him. I think she came to terms with it after a month. I rarely saw my parents anymore, except for when I came home to sleep.

After that first month, my visits weren't so quiet. We would talk and laugh together, it didn't matter what it was about. His parents were out of town a lot, and Youichi didn't care what we did together. I started seeing him more often, maybe a few times a week, but we cut down on our smoking… Maybe taking a hit or two when I first came over.

…

I was happy today. We had finished smoking, and were binging on something chocolate. Suddenly, we heard all sorts of screaming and moans coming from somewhere in the house. "What the…" Natsume's face contorted in disgust and I didn't bother finishing my question. He got up, threw open his door, and yelled into the hall. "Shut the fuck up, _Hotaru_! Youichi! Don't make me come in there!" I hadn't realized… but it was definitely the sound of some kind of freaky sex going on. Natsume slammed the door and I burst into laughter, unable to hold it in.

"Oh… my… god! You have _got_ to be kidding me!" I was rolling around on the couch, and Natsume playfully shoved me over so he could sit down before he started laughing too.

After we had laughed ourselves out, I found myself lying in his lap, looking up at him. His face was serene, and I could see a huge chocolate smudge on the underside of his chin. I smiled at how childish it seemed. How the hell did he get chocolate _there_?

"Natsume…" I took his face in my hands to hold it still while I sat up and licked the chocolate from his chin. I released him and sank back to his lap with a giggle. He looked at me with a "what the fuck?" look, and I could only laugh. "You had chocolate…" I licked my lips and smiled. He chuckled in reply, and leaned his head back on the couch in thought. One of his hands toyed with my hair, and the other rested on my stomach. I drifted off to sleep… for the second time in his presence.

When I woke up, it was dark. For some reason, I really want to go home and eat dinner with my family… Maybe I was in a good mood…

It was hard for me to sit up. Natsume fingers were caught in my hair, and his arm lay heavy on top of me. For some reason, the thought of him sleeping struck me as funny. "Natsume…" I poked him in the stomach, but he didn't budge. "Oi…" I tried to pull his fingers from my hair, and after some difficulty, I managed to free myself. "Natsume!" I sat up and shook him a little. Still, he refused to wake up.

"What a lazy bum…" I muttered under my breath as I straightened out my tangled hair. I could just leave without telling him… But looking at his peaceful face, I knew I couldn't.

"Hmm…" How could I wake him? A funny thought occurred to me, and I straddled his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my face into his neck, taking a deep breath of his soothing scent. I kissed his skin lightly, toying with it. His arms wrapped around my waist in reaction, but I could tell he was still sleeping.

I pulled back to see his sleeping face. I was hesitant, but decided to continue. I leaned in close, barely brushing my lips against his. Through my half closed eyes, I kept an eye on his reaction… just in case it didn't go over well. I kissed him harder, moving my lips against his, sliding my tongue against the crease of his lips. His lips opened, allowing my tongue inside, and I began to feel him kiss back. He was sluggish, not quite awake, but his arms held me close and he responded to me well.

I knew he was finally awake when he kissed me back with fervor, knowing it was me. After a while, we finally broke apart. He sighed and met my eyes, with a glint of humor reflecting back at me. "That's an interesting way to wake up…" I stuck my tongue out at him and flipped off his lap. "You were being stubborn. I _had_ to do _something_." He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Smiling at him, I tapped his thigh and stood up. "Well, I just wanted to let you know I was going home." I gathered my things together while he watched. "Eh... What a lame reason to wake me up for." Despite what he said, I knew he wouldn't have liked me leaving without telling him. "Yeah, yeah. See you." I shook my hand over my shoulder and showed myself out of his house.

For the first time in a long time, I actually held a conversation with my parents.


	6. Chapter 6

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 6**

"Ne, Hotaru..." I was spending the night at her house, and it was late. I could tell Hotaru wanted to sleep... but I wanted to talk with her anyway. She looked at me with a grumpy face, but waited for me to continue.

"What made you decide to date Youichi?" She stared at me for a moment, thinking, before she shrugged. "It just fit." She glanced at my wrists before meeting my eyes again. "You've stopped." Embarrassed, I nodded and tucked my wrist under my pillow. "Yeah..." Anger passed through her face, but it cleared and she became thoughtful. "Is it because of Natsume?" Is she _really_ asking me about this? I could feel my cheeks burning red, and wanted to bury my face instead of replying.

"... Yeah... He made me stop... It..." I shook my head, rephrasing what I was going to say. "_He_ helps." She nodded at me with a look of understanding. "Youichi... told me he doesn't smoke every day anymore." Shocked I looked up at Hotaru. Does that mean... that _I_ help him too? She scrunched her face up and continued. "I used to smell it when I entered the house, but I rarely smell it now." She didn't continue, and neither did I.

…

I approached Nonoko in the morning. I smiled at her and said "Good morning." She smiled back, but didn't try to bring up a conversation. Unsatisfied, I went back to my seat. Hotaru grasped my hand when I sat down. "She'll come around." She muttered under her breath, as if to no one in particular. "Yeah..."

Just to make things worse, I got my midterm test back... _Fucking teacher_! A big, fat, red "F" was slapped on my test. I didn't bother to look at the number... It didn't matter if it was a failing grade.

_I can't break here... I can't break here... I can't break here..._

I don't know how many times I said that to myself.

…

After school, I found Natsume walking home. Without a word, I slipped my hand into his and walked with him.

…

We crashed on his couch and Natsume flicked on his television. I laid my head in his lap, staring blankly at the flashing images on the screen. He gently stroked my hair, not speaking for a while.

"Do you… want to smoke?" I considered it, but remembered what Hotaru had told me. "No…" I didn't need it. He was enough. I lay silently, tears falling from my face, staining his pants, but he didn't complain.

When I finally stopped crying, Natsume shifted to lay behind me on the couch. He rested one arm beneath my head, and slung one around my waist. His breath was hot against my ear, but it was soothing.

After a show or two had passed, my eyes glazed over, dismissing what was on. Instead of hearing the voices of the actors, I heard Natsume's even breathing in my ear. Instead of seeing the show that was on, I felt Natsume's fingers brushing against the skin peeking beneath my shirt. I could feel the steady beat of his heart against my back. I closed my eyes and drowned everything else out entirely. I turned over, now facing Natsume, and slid my hand under his shirt to rest low on his side. I leaned my forehead high against his chest, feeling his heart beat a little faster than before.

It seemed we lay like that forever. I knew he was no longer watching the television, but he was pretending not to be as caught up in the moment as I was. My fingers danced over his skin, dipping low to the band of his pants, and high up his back. His fingers rubbed small, sensual circles over my side, sending shivers of pleasure through me. Slowly I lifted my face up from his chest, and I knew he was lowering his down. Our open mouths met without fault, sending us over whatever edge we had pretended was there.

There was no boundary between us. It was a chaotic mess of hot, steamy kisses and gentle caresses. I didn't bother removing his shirt; I went straight for his pants. I slipped my hand inside and teased his flesh until he was aching for me to touch him. He moaned in pleasure when I finally took him in my hand. I stroked him while we rubbed against each other, fully clothed. He was suddenly at my ear, and gave it a hot lick. "_Mikan_… let's do this _right_." He stood up, somehow threw me over his shoulder, ran across the room, and tossed me onto the bed.

Even if you tortured me for details, I still probably wouldn't remember. All I remember was blindingly passionate love and pleasure. I vaguely remembered being kissed over every inch of my skin… And I honestly couldn't tell you how many orgasms I had… Mmm… It makes me horny just thinking about it. Whatever inexperience we had in sex… we certainly made up in enthusiasm.


	7. Chapter 7

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

The song featured as a ringtone here is "Heartless" by The Fray (**not** the Kanye West version).

**Chapter 7**

"… Oi! Are you listening to me?" Natsume had obviously said something, but I had no idea what it was. I rolled over in bed to face him. "Hmm?" He glared at me in agitation. "I _asked_ you a _question_. Did you even hear it?" I shook my head and nibbled his lip, wanting to erase his agitation. "What was it?" He softened and kissed me back a little before realizing I was distracting him. "Oi… I asked you…" He pulled his lips fully away from mine and tongued my ear. "I asked you… If you wanted to be my girlfriend." He bit me then, and I gasped out in shock at his question and the pleasurable pain below my ear. "Ah… Natsume…" He continued kissing me down my neck… no doubt it would lead to more sex, since we were still naked in his bed. I tried to focus on the question at hand, but it was hard with him kissing me like that. "I… Uh… Ah! … You're not helping…" He kissed my lips again, smiling at my indecision. "Just… say "yes"." His bangs tickled my face as he kissed me deeply, not allowing me to _actually_ answer. He finally broke from my lips and kissed down to my chest. "Ah… Okay! Yes! I'll be your girlfriend! Ah…" He stopped for a moment to smile at me.

My mind went hazy again as he continued to ravish me. "Ah… Natsume!" His thumb was pulsing against my clit, hyping me up for another round… when someone knocked loudly on the door. "Fuck!" I shouted, displeased at being interrupted, and already aware that I would be entirely naked if someone walked in.

Youichi laughed on the other side of the door, but didn't attempt to open it. "Natsume… Mom's home, so I suggest you… make yourselves presentable... and quickly." I heard him walk away and I sighed. Natsume cursed and grumpily got off the bed. I followed him and we both got dressed, disappointed we couldn't continue where we had left off. "So… your mom's home…?" I didn't want to ask him to meet her… but maybe I could get the _thought_ out there. What would his mother be like, anyway? He didn't say anything, so I gathered my things together. "Should I… leave?" Natsume grumbled something. Okay… should I take that as a "yes"? I was about to ask him again, when he slumped on the couch and muttered at me. "No. Sit."

I obliged, sitting gingerly on the couch, as far away from him as possible in case his mom walked in. Natsume scoffed before grabbing my wrist and yanking me closer to him. To make up for it his roughness, he kissed me gently when I had come to sit close beside him. "Isn't a girlfriend supposed to sit close to her boyfriend?" It was a rhetorical question, but I couldn't help blushing in reply. Natsume flipped the channel on the television… Yes, it had been left on… until he found something interesting for us to watch. However, the show was quickly interrupted when a tall, beautiful woman barged into his room. "Natsume, darling! Mommy's home!"

Natsume only glared at his mother, and I felt _really_ uncomfortable. His mother glared back before noticing I was there. "Ah… who's this lovely pumpkin?" Natsume's fingers entwined with mine, "She's _Mikan_, not "pumpkin"… and she's my girlfriend." I couldn't believe he had flat out told her, when we had just decided it ourselves. I knew my face was turning bright red.

His mother suddenly got excited. "Yo-chan! Yo-chan! Natsu-chan has a _girlfriend_!" She ran around like a headless chicken, screaming for a few minutes while I stared at her blankly. Finally, she calmed down and plopped down on the couch next to me… with a photo album.

I heard Natsume groan beside me. "Mother! Don't show her _that_!" Confused, I looked between him and his mother, wondering what he didn't want me to see. His mother laughed gently and proceeded to flip open the photo album… with pictures of Natsume… dressed as a girl! I burst into laughter at the absurdity of it all. Natsume covered his eyes with his free hand, but didn't say anything. I'm sorry, Natsume… but this is _hilarious_!

His mother showed me tons of pictures from when Natsume was only a baby, to maybe a few years ago. Surprisingly, he was a very attractive female. "And this was when I came back from France… I just had to bring him this designer dress to see what it was like…" She continued blabbering on, and I realized what had happened. Apparently Natsume's mother had wanted a little girl, and used Natsume for dress up instead. _Poor Natsume_.

"How could you be so heartless? How could you be so heartless? How could you be so Dr. Evil, you bringing out a side of me that I don't know…" It took me a moment before I realized my parents were calling me. "Oh!" I fumbled for my phone and quickly answered it. "Hi Mom…" She sounded a little worried on the other end. "… Are you okay sweetie? Are you coming home tonight?" I checked the time and realized how late it was. "Oh! I'm sorry… Yeah, I'll be coming home soon." Natsume gave me a _look_ when I said that, but I knew he couldn't argue, especially with his mom home. "Okay… make it home safely." I nodded into the phone, as if she could really see me. "Okay, Mom. I will."

Natsume's mother stood up and smiled at me. "Alright, pumpkin. I suppose you'll be getting ready to go home now. It was nice to meet my Natsu-chan's _girlfriend_." She said the last word with a little squeal and ran out of the room. _Seriously_. I looked at him with a sincere look of apology, before I started giggling. He growled grumpily, not looking at me. "It's _not funny_." I poked him in the face, trying to get him to smile. "Oh, come on. I'm sure she did it to Youichi too…" Natsume glanced at me, then looked away again. "Not since he started dying his hair."

I laughed for a moment longer before it hit me. Was this his trigger? Not that this needed a defined trigger… but something this… _embarrassing_… could definitely cause some deep scars in guys…. Maybe even physical scars… "… I'm sorry… It's not funny." He looked at me for a moment before smiling. "It's not _that_…" I sighed in relief and kissed his cheek. "… I should be going…" I moved to stand up from the couch, when he pulled me back down. "You're going to _leave_ _me _with a kiss on the _cheek_?" He pulled me into a deep kiss… making me wish for more… before he let me go again. "I'll walk you out so _she_ doesn't bother you again."

…

Somehow it got out that we were dating. I'm not really sure who spread it… but I could hear them talking about it, wondering if that was what _changed_ my personality. _Fucking_ _idiots_. Whatever it was… I think it made me a little happy for people to know.

"Mikan… Is it true?" My head was buried in my arms on my desk, so I was surprised when I heard Nonoko's soft voice beside me. I sat up and looked at her with blurry eyes. "Nonoko…" I smiled and hugged her. "Yeah! … What… do you think?" I blushed and pulled away from her. I was so glad that she was speaking to me… but what if it was only to tell me how horrible my choice was? "I think it's great! He's so cute… even if he _is_ quiet…" She smiled at me, and I knew that something had finally brought us back together.

…

He caught me in the hall and pulled me into a breathless kiss. "Ah… Natsume!" I laughed when we pulled apart. His eyes were soft, and he may have even been smiling. "You seem happy today." I frowned and rolled my eyes… just to throw him off. "_Sure_…" He looked confused and I chuckled, unable to hold it in. "I suppose so." I danced out of his grip and continued down the hall, wiggling my fingers at him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 8**

We weren't smoking anymore. I was spending more time with Hotaru and Nonoko… but I saw Natsume frequently.

His mom was home for a few weeks, so we rarely risked being found naked… meaning little to no sex. She had a bad habit of coming in unannounced, and I _really_ didn't want to go there. That didn't stop us from having _heavy_ make-out sessions though.

I suppose we were happy. I don't really know what it was… but whatever hurt inside me was gone when I was around him. I don't know what _he_ thought… but he looked less listless, and on some days maybe even content. I honestly think he had stopped smoking entirely.

Then his father came home. That was the day his mother decided to leave again. I never saw the man because Natsume _refused_ to let me come over.

…

Natsume was beginning to look listless again. I had only seen him at school the past few days, and he didn't even speak to me today. I saw the hazy look in his eyes and knew. He was _smoking_ again! I cursed and kicked his chair, but he continued to ignore me. I don't know _why_ I was so angry at him… It was his _release_… But maybe I was upset that he didn't come to _me_.

For whatever reason, I met Ruka that day.

He was a blonde beauty, with high cheekbones and sapphire blue eyes. He was quiet and a little shy, but _all_ the girls loved him. "I don't know _what_ is so _great_ about him…" I muttered to Hotaru when he joined our class and the girls were all _cooing_ over him. Unfortunately, the only available seat was next to _me_. _Damn_.

I tried to meet Natsume's eyes, but he refused to look at me. _Figures_.

Sighing, I gave in and greeted the new guy. He smiled at me, and returned my greeting. Something struck me, and I had a bad feeling this guy was going to bring me trouble.

…

Ruka wasn't so bad. He was polite, friendly, and rather smart too. He quickly joined my group of friends, which helped keep the mass of girls off him. Natsume _still_ wasn't talking to me. It's been… how long? A week or more? I don't know what the hell his problem is, but I'm really going to have to talk to him.

"Sakura." Ugh! Ruka had this horrible problem of calling me by my last name. Mother fucker. "Yeah?" He flashed his baby blues at me and smiled. Is that supposed to do something to me? "I have extra tickets for the Marianas Trench concert on Saturday, would you like to go?" Whaaa? "No way!" A _huge_ smile broke out on my face. "Are you _serious_? I stood in line for _hours_ trying to get those tickets!" I noticed him blush a little, but I didn't care. "Yes! I'll go! Fuck yeah!" I was _finally_ going to see Marianas Trench in concert!

Ruka and I were walking to our next class, talking about the concert plans. I could tell he was excited, and I _know_ I was. Before I knew what was happening, Ruka was rudely shoved and Natsume pulled me away. "What are you doing? That was rude! I was in the _middle_ of a conversation…" He didn't let me continue. I heard Ruka start to say something, but he cut off just as I did… when Natsume kissed me.

I pulled away, breathing hard. I was _still_ angry… but… it was starting to fizzle. "Natsume! You can't just kiss me when you haven't even spoken to me in…" He kissed me again, pushing me against the wall, not letting me escape. "That's something I haven't seen in a while." I was barely aware of the people talking behind me, but I realized that somehow… I had forgotten to tell Ruka about Natsume. I hope the concert wasn't supposed to be a _date_.

I stopped fighting him and gave in, kissing him back. Somehow, I had _missed_ him. I inhaled deeply, and _smelled it_. He reeked of smoke, and given his actions lately, he must have been smoking every day... again. Eventually, I felt the crowd fade away, probably going into classrooms. "Natsume…" He held me against the wall, not saying a word. His lips rested against my neck, and I could only hold him.

Ruka was nowhere in sight. _Yeah_, that was probably supposed to be a date. "It's time to go to class…" I think I felt him shaking, ever so slightly, but he didn't reply. If we stayed in the hall like this, we were going to be seen. "Natsume…"

"Don't go." I didn't want to, but he _had_ to continue talking. "How could you let that idiot drool all over you? And in front of _me_?" What the fuck was he talking about? _Ruka_? "Don't give me that _shit_! You haven't spoken a word to me… and you expect me not to _talk_ to anyone else? Get real." Why the hell did he have to bring up something like _that_? Now I was angry and I tried to pull myself from him.

"You didn't even tell him… about _me_." He held me and didn't let go, his voice dripping with anger… and something else. "So what? I need to announce to everyone that I have a boyfriend that doesn't even talk to me? What the _fuck_, Natsume?" He gripped me tightly, resisting my attempts at getting free. "You _fucking_ agreed to go on a _date_ with him!" He was panting against my neck and his body was shaking, I assumed in anger. I tried to shove him away, pissed that he was getting so _jealous_ over something so _stupid_. "Get off! I didn't agree to go on a _date_! The word "date" wasn't mentioned… it's only a concert! A concert I've been _dying_ to go to!"

His fingers dug into me _hard_. "Everyone sees the way he looks at you. You're not _blind_… You knew what he meant…" Snapping, I kneed him hard in the stomach, I'm not cruel enough to go for the balls of my _boyfriend_, and I wriggled free of his grasp, slapping him in the face. "_Fuck you_! Don't you _dare_ get jealous when I befriend someone when you don't even _bother_ to speak with me! _Fuck off_! Don't talk to me until you grow a pair!" I stormed down the hall, away from Natsume, without looking back once. I found it odd that he didn't even bother shouting back a reply.


	9. Chapter 9

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 9**

I was seething in anger all day. Ruka tried to talk to me, but I brushed him off. "I _really_ don't want to talk about it right now." He seemed to understand, and didn't bring it back up.

I went home and threw on Hollywood Undead, turning the volume on my stereo as loud as it would go. I was so _fucking angry_. I was _angry_ that he was obviously slipping. I was _angry_ that he didn't turn to _me_. I was _angry_ that he refused to speak to me. I was _angry_ that he was _jealous_ over a stupid friend, and a stupid concert. The anger welled inside of me, and I started throwing my books against the wall, anything to vent this painful feeling. In the past… I would have cut myself… but I knew that it would make things worse between us. At some point, I broke into tears, falling to the floor, books lying in disarray around me. _Damn_, Natsume. _What is wrong?_

That's when I saw Natsume's discarded shirt lying on my floor. I picked it up, cradling it in my arms. That night seemed so long ago…

"_Fuck_!" My eyes shot open and I stopped crying immediately. My heart pounded in fear. I dropped the shirt and fumbled for my first aid kit before running out the door. I'm a _fucking idiot_! It was _so obvious_! His trigger… it must stem from his dad. That's when it started back up… and _of course_ he didn't come to me, it's _too hard_ to go to someone else. _He_ was the one that _found me_ when I was slipping… And I'm the _idiot_ who couldn't find him when he needed me most.

I started crying again when I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer. _Damn it_! I remembered what he said to me that first night… _"It's not enough… Is it?"_ I panicked as I wondered if he had hit that point… that point where it wasn't enough. He had been shaking today… I was _wrong_ to assume it was because he was _angry_. _He needed me_ and I really hoped I wasn't too late.

I couldn't just barge into their house, so I begged Hotaru for Youichi's number and called him frantically. When he _finally_ picked up, I was relieved. "Youichi, I need to see Natsume, _now_!" He didn't ask me why, he seemed to just _know_.

Natsume's door was locked, so Youichi kicked it in. He let me pass, and closed the door again. "If you need me, call. Otherwise… I'll keep Dad out of this." _Thank you._

The room was filled with heavy smoke, making my head buzz. I found him on the couch, _stoned out of his mind_. He was only wearing his boxers and a shirt… for a good reason. He had started at his thigh, and I saw a thick, bleeding gash there, the blood oozing onto the couch. But the _worst_ part was, he had just started on a wrist… and it _wasn't shallow_. "Natsume!" I screamed and ran to him, taking the blade from his hand. He seemed to finally notice I was there but didn't fight me. He only looked at me with dull, hazy eyes. _It's not too late. It's not too late._ He was bleeding profusely, but it wasn't too much… yet. _I_ could handle this…. _We_ could handle this.

I threw my first aid kit on the table, knocking off anything that may have been on it. I ripped out a long strip of gauze and quickly wrapped it _tightly_ around his wrist to stop the bleeding. I can stitch it up later. I attempted to clean the gash on his thigh, and when I could do no more, I bandaged it. I quickly inspected him, barely aware that I was still crying. When I was finally sure that he hadn't cut anywhere else, I sighed.

"Oh god… Natsume…" I took his face in my hands, looking into his eyes. Maybe… he could see me… but he didn't show any reaction. Crying, I held him to my chest and buried my face in his hair. _It wasn't too late. It wasn't too late._ _It wasn't too late._

A long time passed, and I knew I needed to stay with him. I sent a text to my parents, telling them I would be staying over at Hotaru's. After I felt sure that the bleeding had slowed, I removed the sloppy bandages. I carefully stitched up both wounds, and was surprised that he didn't even flinch under the needle. After re-bandaging him, I moved him to the bed. I didn't worry about the blood staining the couch.

As I lay with him, cradling him in my arms… I realized how much I cared for him. I don't know when it started… or how it grew… but I _knew_… I loved him. I was _in love_ with Natsume. I could only hold him close to me, and hoped he would soon come out of his comatose state. "I love you… I'm _so_ sorry… I love you…" I'm not sure what all I whispered to him in my fervor… But he didn't reply.

…

"Mikan." It was but a whisper in my sleep, but I knew it was real. A brush of warm lips against my forehead, and I began to wake up. "Nat… su… me…" His lips brushed softly against mine, a feeling that I missed. "Are you o…" His tongue delved into my mouth, soft and reassuring. He was weak, I could tell, but he was also tender on purpose. Somehow… I knew this was his "thank you".

His touches were soft and loving, and somehow he removed my clothes… but I have no memory of that. He lay beside me, leaning on his unmarred thigh. He lifted my leg, and slid it around his waist. His fingers ran up my thighs, sending shivers to my toes. His erection was loose, and pressed gently between my legs. It felt so _right_… but surely this would hurt him. "No… you'll hurt yourse…" It was obvious he didn't care about his pain when he stopped my lips with his and gently pushed himself inside me. I exhaled heavily, arching myself towards him.

I refused to let him strain himself. We moved in a slow, painful pace, barely moving against the sheets. I don't know what was better… the loving feeling inside me, the closeness of his skin to mine, or the sensual love we were making. We didn't speak. We seemed to communicate perfectly with our mingling breaths and gentle touches.

Our bodies spent, we slept together silently in the twisted sheets.


	10. Chapter 10

**Warnings**: This fic is rated **Mature **for sex, self mutilation, language, and drug use.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice. I don't advocate using drugs or hurting yourself.

**Chapter 10**

I awoke to a loud pounding on the door. The covers were quickly thrown over me, and Natsume hissed in my ear. "Be silent." After another round of pounding, a gruff, angry voice came from the hall. "Natsume! Get your fucking ass out of bed and to school!" Natsume grunted as he shifted in the bed. "Fuck off, old man!" I cowered under the covers, afraid to breathe. I didn't want to know what would happen if he found out I was here.

Finally, I heard him storm off down the hall to yell at Youichi. I exhaled loudly, and threw the covers off me. "That's _not_ something I want to wake up to every morning." Natsume chuckled at me before throwing me my clothes. I watched him slowly dress, wincing when he lifted his injured leg. "Natsume… is it okay for you to go to school? … Those cuts…" He scoffed at me and buttoned his jeans. "I'll be fine. I made it through last night, didn't I?" I blushed, not sure if he was talking about the sex or not. "Uh… yeah." He looked at me hotly, still undressed on the bed, and smiled. "Want another round? I'm up for it…" I laughed quietly and threw a pillow at him. "Pervert! Get dressed already." He chuckled. "Looks who's talking…"

…

I snuck out the window and met Natsume outside. Our hands laced together, we walked to school.

…

We walked in together. I'm sure people were staring, especially since I was wearing one of his shirts since mine had been stained with blood.

We parted ways, and I greeted Hotaru just like it was another morning. Ruka was another thing. He was sitting nervously beside me, and I could tell he wanted to talk. "Ruka… I'm sorry, but I forgot to introduce you to my boyfriend, Natsume. We… weren't on great terms last week." He nodded, and I noticed how his expression seemed to sadden. "Of course! I understand… I bet he's a great guy. …" I looked back at Natsume, knowing he was watching me. "I'm sorry Ruka, I may have misunderstood you before… I can't go to the concert with you if it's a… _date_." I was sincere since I didn't want to lead him on, and I didn't want to hurt Natsume anymore.

Ruka shook his head furiously, laughing nervously. "No, no! Not at all! Uh… I invited a few other friends too… in fact, you can even bring Natsume if you like! I have several tickets…" I didn't know if it was a coincidence, or if he had somehow gotten more tickets yesterday after seeing me with Natsume. "Are you sure, Ruka? That would be fantastic if we could all go together!"

…

I brought Natsume to my house for the first time. I even introduced him to my parents as my boyfriend. After the embarrassing part was over, we went to my room.

"What do you mean you don't know Marianas Trench? Are you crazy?" The man was musically ill if he didn't know… so I had to school him. "This is in preparation for the concert on Saturday." I had already told him that he was invited to the concert, and my other friends would be there too. I started with "Cross My Heart", blasting it loud, dancing along pulling Natsume with me when I could.

When we finally settled down, I decided to be serious. "Natsume… I'd like it… if you don't smoke when you need _it_ anymore. I… want you to come to me. We… can help each other. …" He was quiet for a while, and I waited in anticipation. "Hmm… so if we don't _smoke_… what _else_ can we do?" His eyes glinted with lust, and I laughed, pushing him away as he came closer. "Mmm… Maybe… but not _right now_." We laughed together, and he put his arm around my shoulder. "Okay." I sighed in content, and rested my head on his shoulder.

I thought about the last time I was in this room, my eyes brimming with tears at the scary thought that I could have _lost_ him. "Natsume…" It was a quiet, desperate whisper, but I don't think I could have spoken any louder at that moment. "Please… don't scare me like that again…" He kissed my cheek, surely tasting the salt of my tears. "I'll promise if you kiss me." He didn't need to ask. My lips found his, refusing to be torn apart.

It seems corny, I know… but I found myself in a similar situation as last night. It was like we were insatiable. His hot skin melded together with mine, making me complete. His every touch, kiss, caress, _thrust_… it was as if it were written long ago… like we were _meant to be_. I held him close to me, afraid to let him go. We were equals… moving together in a rhythm known throughout time. We were the same.

"Natsume…" I sighed his name out, cradling his face in my palms. I looked deep into his crimson eyes, the eyes that saw through my soul. "I…" His kissed my nose, grinding himself slowly inside me. "Mikan… I love you." I was shocked at his confession… maybe even more so that I was going to tell him the same. "I heard you… last night." He kissed me deeply, before allowing me to speak again. "Natsume… I… I love you too." He smiled and bent to nibble my ear. "I know." I think I may have cried.

…

I'm not going to bore you with all the mind numbing details… but I can promise you that Natsume went to the concert with us on Saturday. It was a blast!

It took a while, but he's even starting to become comfortable with my friends. If I didn't know better, I would swear him and Ruka were best friends. Ha! What a thought…

We're happy together. I can say that for a fact now. Whatever it was inside us… It's whole now. But, I can't say that I wished it was never there. If it hadn't been there, I may not have as close of a bond with Natsume.

As for his _trigger_… we don't have to worry about that anymore. Now that we've graduated from high school, we moved into an apartment together. Unfortunately, it's a little noisy… we decided to room with Hotaru and Youichi. -.-


End file.
